Happening Again

It’s happening again. There have been a few moments of interconnectedness that have led me to the author David Mitchell and the book “The Reason I Jump.” My mind is racing trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do, but I’m going to take my advice from the past 2 or so weeks and take some deep breaths and follow the road rather than look for it’s end. It’s all very exciting though ^_^

 

Just for my own archive of how this works, here’s what’s happened. I received a 25$ gift card to Barnes and Nobel from my dad for Christmas, and a Kindle from my mom. I figured I’d use the money to buy a book I wanted to own. I went and looked for Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell. They didn’t have it, which is surprising, but they had his first book “Ghostwritten.” I bought it and have spent the passed 2 days mostly reading it. It’s just fabulous (and there are a lot of connections to the movie version of Cloud Atlas, so I’m wondering if he connects all of his books. I can’t wait to read the rest). While reading, I’ve taken a few random breaks to do things like re-watch Cloud Atlas, do favors asked of me, and contemplate my version of this story. I like to read because it allows me to follow random urges a little more freely than my usual reason-demanding self.

During a nice talk with my mom, she mentioned to me that I should read a book called “The Reason I Jump.” It was written by a 13 year old autistic boy in Japan. My mom’s summary reminded me of an American version of the story. (http://carlysvoice.com/)

So now that I’ve hit 7/10 of the book, I took a break to look up David Mitchell so I could understand how he became so cool. Right there, at the bottom of the wiki page, was the last bit of relevant information “One of Mitchell’s children is autistic, and in 2013, he and wife Keiko translated into English a book written by an autistic 13-year-old Japanese boy, The Reason I Jump: One Boy’s Voice from the Silence of Autism.”

The book is next on my to-do list after I finish Ghostwritten. That’s all I know for now.

Traffic Lights and Other Signs

Part 1

It’s easy to feel lost. There is so much that isn’t known that we can become paralyzed with that thought, rather than full of life from that which is known.

I was driving and I saw a stop light out in the distance. It was green and I began to worry because I thought it might turn yellow at an awkward time making me decide to slam on my brakes or speed through. It remained green though. Of course, the first thing I did was reflect on this, and I’ve found that that often happens while driving. Looking further, I found that happens often in my life. I worry about what might be, and that is based on my limited information.

Some may say ignorance is bliss, meaning if I didn’t know what the light was, I wouldn’t think to worry about it. However, I feel that if it put me in that weird yellow situation, then my bliss may end. I don’t think ignorance is bliss entirely, I think it is situationally.

Rather, I think it’s best to either see the light or not, but continue to stay in the moment. Sure the light may turn yellow, maybe it’ll be early enough, maybe bad timing, or maybe stay green.

The unknown is overwhelming, but only when we do it to ourselves.

Part 2

At the end of school, I decided to be happy instead of trying to understand it all. What came as a result is not all that foreign, and I love when I remember it.

I’ve chosen to be happy. what manifests from that is often very nice. The little things become lovely, I am gracious, and many other virtues. However, the good feeling is like a drug, and I want more of it. So what happens is that I then want to search for happiness, and that’s the global mistake! the moment that happens, all happiness fades. The happiness comes from within and manifests in life. It’s scary though, because we like to see what’s coming. But, green light or not, it’s ok to remain in the moment.

The other side to this is my search for being right, to understand truth, and the word Should. I so desperately want to know those answers, but they come from within. I spend most of my life trying to find them. But like the happiness, I must first align myself within the answers and let them manifest.

Thank you!

End of Semester Reflection

Yesterday, Thanksgiving, Sean asked if I was keeping up with these posts. I said yes, though I haven’t written in a while. Since the semester was coming to a close, I figured it was time for a reflection. Then that night, and this night, presented a good time to do that.

This semester was entered into with the idea to wait. It’s funny, I can remember the conversation I had with Andy about it and not much else. At least right now it is just a vague idea of passing time. But I am here now and the waiting is almost over. It’s time to step back to other people.

I’ve spent a lot of time alone in my own world. A world that is part reflection, part creation. I’ve learned a lot. Most importantly, I’ve learned that you need to do as much as you need to think. And I’ve done some things that I thought I could never do. Some obstacles have been much overcome and the period of transformation has begun. It’s nice to see the beginnings of a new way of living. While writing, I’m excited to watch as it unfolds.

Honesty really is important. It’s easy to think of the past as something unchangeable, but I’ve found that my memories of the past are as accurate as the imaginings I often have. I’ve come to realize that a lot of the fears I’ve held on to, I don’t even remember where they came from. And if I do, I’ve found that most of the situations have changed, and holding on the old fears is like using an outdated computer, it’s just a hassle for all and it’s time to upgrade to the present. So that’s what I’m doing. The software is done installing, so it’s time to use it.

What I mean by all of this is that I’ve had some conversations and gotten certain things out on the table that needed to be. Going forward, I’ll make an attempt to not ever let an elephant grow in my room. But, since I did, I had to handle them. It’s very liberating. There is no chorus of angels to tell me I’m on the right path, but a lot less guilt and fear in my mind.

It’s still foreign to me and will be a work in progress, but I’ve begun to change again. Physically, like people can notice these changes. I know I think people should be able to perceive my changes, but some really are subtle.

Anyway I re-pierced my ear with a sewing needle because I was watching a movie and then I did it. I almost passed out like the last 2 times I injured myself with a sharp object (those times were accidents). I think my subconscious has a tight hold on my body.

 

What I’ve learned this semester are a few important reflections. I succumb to the fear of judgement from others. To not be accepted. I created a personality that was safe, all inclusive. I did well. It was amiable and charismatic, but never too much of any flavor. It worked fine and I’m sure it would be very successful in modern society, so it’s for sale. But that must come to an end. I need to come back to be many versions of myself, and to stand for the ideals I’ve found that transcend them all. Not manifestations of my types will agree, but it is for the overarching to teach them.

I don’t know if the past can be erased. But for me, I was creating the present based on a past I had created. I don’t actually remember the events for what they were. I suppose perhaps that’s how memory works, but for me it wasn’t working just right. I had fears that were built upon misinformation and so I had the let them go. It’s a bit of a fresh start, but at least this time I have a fully cognitive brain. Perhaps I can better catalog it, or at least remember to live in the moment instead of the past. It does feel good. It’s funny to look back on things that I claim certainty of and realize that that was just a certainty I used to have and really I don’t actually know anymore. It really is liberating. Because frankly, I don’t know. I think this was part of the cycle of re-manifesting what has passed, and it will slow down now.

I have facebook again, but as you my have guessed, I deleted almost everything from it. I hope to have it all gone and replaced with up-to-date me soon.

Sympathy for the Devil

It’s easy to have no sympathy for the devil, for after all, it is evil. I don’t know how well this manifests though. In a world of black and white, good or evil, there is a rampant dismissiveness (sure it’s a word) of dislike. I don’t think this is ultimate truth though. Those who create waves in a calm pool, they are evil and thrown out. Until they are proven to be useful waves, then they are hailed and put into textbooks.

For those we don’t like, perhaps we should remember their humanity too. They are someones child, partner, friend. Though they may be the devil, perhaps it was a lack of sympathy that drove them to such.

 

To go off of my last post: it is easy to lose the miracles. This comes about with excuses and blames. When my current ones finish, what will I move to? I’m not sure, but tonight I will work to not move to another.

Books

There is too much to say about books in a simple post, so I will keep it personal.

Books, as of late, have been more than a source of information, or a journey to travel. They’ve been a method by which I can see the forest and trees. Though still not at the same time.

As of late, I’ve been merely living. What I mean by that is not exactly questioning why I’m doing something, and not not questioning it. Sometimes I just sit on a curb for 5 minutes, then I continue walking. I always wonder why I’m doing it, but I’m not letting that deter or influence it.

Here’s today’s story. After leaving the shop after sitting for longer than I expected to, I decided to rent another book. This time, it’s Chrome Yellow by Aldous Huxley (since his name came up last night). I got back to my room, took care of some business, then decided to go to Sam’s for dinner. I left 30 minutes early just because I did. On my walk over, I stopped twice. The first was to finish a paragraph. The second was to sit on a bench. A few minutes after I sat, someone came over and sat. I was given the opportunity that I didn’t expect to explain something in abstract form. It was funny because it was brought up abstractly. Everything I had felt came true. Then after that, someone else came over which gave me a chance to continue a conversation that I accidentally interrupted one year ago. It was much fun.

Then I had class. After that, I hung with Bryan for a bit, and called it early to go read at Diem. I read for a bit and took a picture for a group of people. Then I got up and walked to my room. On my way, I met someone who is new to me so I walked with her back to Bohn because otherwise our lives would’ve been stuck in the passing hello stage.

 

You need to trust me that these are all miracles. They have each been heavy on my mind and it’s amazing to watch as all of life continues to flow. I can’t wait to continue this.

The Butterfly Effect

Small changes in the initial condition can generate huge differences.

Tonight I was walking when I went into University Hall. I found a paper airplane lying on the ground. I took it to the 4th floor a few times and watched it float down. The number of different paths is amazing. It’s a miracle that it landed anywhere it did.

I also found two dimes today both from the year 1989. Those two coins are older than I am and have traveled to places I can’t know. Now they are back with we for a bit.

I left the plain for someone else to find.

My Dream Last Night

So I started writing dreams down. Then I went 2 weeks without having one I could realllllyyyy remember. Last night I had one again and it was just amazing. So much so that I felt it belonged here.

 

I was in some kind of building (hotel?) with a lot of other people in it. At some point, we became aware that it was going to fall apart, but it was a good thing. The owner wasn’t happy and had to come up with fake reasons as to why it’s falling apart. He told his guests that its demolition was being used in a movie. A crack opened up and it started to fall. (Now I remember I think some machines had come to pull it apart from the outside).

Once it had fallen, I walked out of some entrance and was all alone. There was an open field and the sky was beautiful. I was overwhelmed with one of the greatest feelings I’ve ever had. It was love and appreciation just completely amped up. Looking around I jumped and started to fly/glide. I went around for quite some time. Then I found some soccer game and flew over to it. No one could see me so I slid along the field. I picked up and flew back. I started getting tired and couldn’t fly as high/far anymore. I got back to the building and went in.

Instead of going to find other people though, I walked out a back exit. There I saw a giant, beautiful city. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it seemed like Europe pre-1700. However it was just piled on top of one another and stretched as high as skyscrapers. The feeling returned and I jumped twice as high as the buildings to look at the whole place from above. I zoomed down and started flying in and out just looking at all the wonderful buildings there were. I was going too fast and landed I think in a fountain/river. I started to go between the buildings and found Neil Baldwin sitting on a rooftop contemplating some streetart. I asked him who made it and he told me it was one of his favorites. I wrote the name on my hand in white and realized I couldn’t see it. He asked me how I would get down. I told him I was jumping everywhere. So I jumped to the next rooftop. I looked up and saw a girl looking down out a window. I flew up to her and had a very rooted (like no filler) talk with her. I forget the exact words, but I was trying to tell her I couldn’t make her fly, but she could if she was filled with the feeling. Then I continued around some more until I got tired so I went back. Then I woke up in real life. It was still dark so I looked around, was thankful for such an amazing dream, and went back to sleep.

This is the second time that flying around in a dream has been what I can call honestly the greatest feeling I’ve ever had.