Yesterday, Thanksgiving, Sean asked if I was keeping up with these posts. I said yes, though I haven’t written in a while. Since the semester was coming to a close, I figured it was time for a reflection. Then that night, and this night, presented a good time to do that.
This semester was entered into with the idea to wait. It’s funny, I can remember the conversation I had with Andy about it and not much else. At least right now it is just a vague idea of passing time. But I am here now and the waiting is almost over. It’s time to step back to other people.
I’ve spent a lot of time alone in my own world. A world that is part reflection, part creation. I’ve learned a lot. Most importantly, I’ve learned that you need to do as much as you need to think. And I’ve done some things that I thought I could never do. Some obstacles have been much overcome and the period of transformation has begun. It’s nice to see the beginnings of a new way of living. While writing, I’m excited to watch as it unfolds.
Honesty really is important. It’s easy to think of the past as something unchangeable, but I’ve found that my memories of the past are as accurate as the imaginings I often have. I’ve come to realize that a lot of the fears I’ve held on to, I don’t even remember where they came from. And if I do, I’ve found that most of the situations have changed, and holding on the old fears is like using an outdated computer, it’s just a hassle for all and it’s time to upgrade to the present. So that’s what I’m doing. The software is done installing, so it’s time to use it.
What I mean by all of this is that I’ve had some conversations and gotten certain things out on the table that needed to be. Going forward, I’ll make an attempt to not ever let an elephant grow in my room. But, since I did, I had to handle them. It’s very liberating. There is no chorus of angels to tell me I’m on the right path, but a lot less guilt and fear in my mind.
It’s still foreign to me and will be a work in progress, but I’ve begun to change again. Physically, like people can notice these changes. I know I think people should be able to perceive my changes, but some really are subtle.
Anyway I re-pierced my ear with a sewing needle because I was watching a movie and then I did it. I almost passed out like the last 2 times I injured myself with a sharp object (those times were accidents). I think my subconscious has a tight hold on my body.
What I’ve learned this semester are a few important reflections. I succumb to the fear of judgement from others. To not be accepted. I created a personality that was safe, all inclusive. I did well. It was amiable and charismatic, but never too much of any flavor. It worked fine and I’m sure it would be very successful in modern society, so it’s for sale. But that must come to an end. I need to come back to be many versions of myself, and to stand for the ideals I’ve found that transcend them all. Not manifestations of my types will agree, but it is for the overarching to teach them.
I don’t know if the past can be erased. But for me, I was creating the present based on a past I had created. I don’t actually remember the events for what they were. I suppose perhaps that’s how memory works, but for me it wasn’t working just right. I had fears that were built upon misinformation and so I had the let them go. It’s a bit of a fresh start, but at least this time I have a fully cognitive brain. Perhaps I can better catalog it, or at least remember to live in the moment instead of the past. It does feel good. It’s funny to look back on things that I claim certainty of and realize that that was just a certainty I used to have and really I don’t actually know anymore. It really is liberating. Because frankly, I don’t know. I think this was part of the cycle of re-manifesting what has passed, and it will slow down now.
I have facebook again, but as you my have guessed, I deleted almost everything from it. I hope to have it all gone and replaced with up-to-date me soon.