It’s been so long since I’ve written

I can’t believe how long it’s been. It’s really easy when I’m at school to just say I’ll do something later and forget about it for a week; that is, if it doesn’t have a deadline.

To hopefully rekindle the writing again, I thought I’d go with something that I’ve been feeling lately, a sense of directionlessness and complacency. Through this, I came to think that depression is the opposite of inspiration. I don’t really have my heart in the theater right now. The issue comes when I can’t put that feeling aside, and all of my work and attitudes towards it become infected with it. As a result, I’ve forced myself into a sort of depression. It’s not sad, it’s not angry, it’s just nothing.

The words that repeat are, this isn’t what I want, but I don’t know what I do want. Want want want. A lot of the negativity comes when feeling unfulfilled in what I do. But I know this isn’t me. It’s the intention. But I’ve stuck myself in this resistant intention. The saving grace has been juggling. The act itself helps, but it also allows for mild interactions with people. I still can’t pull myself to full-on “hang out,” I’m too busy watching the event to participate in it. Juggling though let’s me have short bursts of lighthearted interaction and I’ve loved it.

I think as far as theater, I can accept that this probably isn’t what I’ll work in forever, rather it is what I’m doing now. If I let go of the dread that I’ve attached to it, perhaps I will again start to see the inspiration that lies within all parts of life.

It really has been a lot of me and want in my mind as of late. I’ll start to let go of some of that.

But just to finish with a theory, depression and inspiration. For me, they feel like opposites. They’re like having a glass full of your favorite beverage and having an empty glass. The empty glass isn’t bad, it’s just not full. I’ve been treating inspiration as a deplete-able source. Drinking the drink will empty the glass. It doesn’t have to be that way.



Edit: I’ve also lived the past few days very removed from my body. Juggling still works since it’s become more of a mode of zoning out for me. Also, Two Weeks by Grizzly Bear has been playing on repeat in my head. Sometimes it gets the mood just right.

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